Kissing a fool

In my post called “Sealed with a kiss” (http://wp.me/p1rllI-6r), I declared my passion for deep French kissing.

To my mind, this can either make or break a meeting. To meet a fellow devotee, is a pleasure and a real turn-on. To meet someone for whom it is not, kills it.

When I was discussing our mutual passion for kissing with a lady recently, whilst drawing breath between snogs, we chatted about some of the less enjoyable types of kissing we had encountered.

Maybe you can relate to some of these, or you have your own experiences, but our combined take included the following examples:

• The Washing Machine
• The Lizard
• The Dentist
• The Limpet
• The Face Licker
• The Vampire
• Jawbreakers
• Anteaters
• Buster Blood Vessel / The Haka
• The Tongue Scraper

Sadly though, this list is by no means exhaustive!

The Washing Machine

This entails someone who sticks their tongue in your mouth and the presses fast cycle, as they spin your tongue around your mouth at 1600 rpm.

Whilst a little Tongue Tennis is part of the process, this spin cycle is exhausting.

The Lizard

Although it is fun to explore with one’s tongue a bit, this is where one’s tonsils are give a severe probing. Not pleasant!

The Dentist

This is similar to the Lizard, except one feels every filling is being probed and all one is waiting for is someone to shout out “back one, back two, back three….!”

The Limpet

This joy of joys is where the other party presses so hard, it feels like they are trying to form a suction seal around one’s lips.

I have had one version where the other party presses really hard but no tongue contact is made. It feels like a theatrical kiss!

The Face Licker

Whilst this is not quite kissing, from anecdotal evidence, there does seem to be a percentage of guys who seem to enjoy licking the lady’s face!

Whilst a gentle kissing all over and around the neck and ears can be pleasurable, a licking similar to an ever-faithful hound is not, particularly as it removes the lady’s make up and leaves a film of saliva all over the face, which then dries into a crust!

Equally, a deep ear probing is also not nice! A little probing is fine, but not if it feels like the inner ear is being examined orally.

The Vampire

There is no doubt kissing on the neck is a very sensual experience for both men and ladies. However, when this becomes biting or, even worse, trying to give love bites, this is not enjoyable at all!

I had one lady who did this repeatedly. In the end I stopped seeing her, particularly after dark or if the moon was full.

When discussing this issue with a lady who emails me, she offered the following additions, which I can relate to:

Jawbreakers

Those who press so hard when kissing, it physically hurts the jaw.

Gargoyles

Those who contort to form the most unusual faces whilst embracing it becomes off-putting.

Anteaters

This kisser is where the tongue darts in and out at an alarming speed where it is more likely to snare food than embrace.

Buster Blood Vessel / The Haka

This is a variation on the Gargoyle, except the tongue is protruded without any lip contact being made.

The Tongue Scraper

A kisser who draws their tongue back over one’s teeth, thus depositing all remnants of their previous meals on your teeth. Not a nice feeling!

Whilst I have made light of some of the “alternative” kissing practices, none of them are that pleasant to be on the receiving end of. However, what makes a good kisser is a mute point. Ultimately, if we would not like to be on the receiving end of something, it is a good indicator.

To my mind though, the best kissing is with those whose tastes match our own. Therefore, for those “Lizards” and “Washing Machines” out there, all one needs to do is to find someone similar!